fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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