Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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