imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize