he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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