Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sorry about my life...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
