I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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