my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
