True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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