so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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