I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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