Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We need to rekindle our bromance
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
