don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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