does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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