Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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