my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
