I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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