Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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