the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
