Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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