just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
