So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
