I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
