I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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