Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize