Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
