True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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