Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
