she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
