Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
