Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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