two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
