Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
