I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
