I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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