he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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