You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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