So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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