we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
