you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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