She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
