Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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