Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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