How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize