I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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