C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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