I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
