sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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