Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
