I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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