your room smells of hookers.
And success
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
