i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
