And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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