I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
