Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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