dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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