Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
